I’m a 31 year old closeted metalhead...

[stringypoo]

Here’s the thing, guys.  I really love metal.  I think most of you already know I’m really into it.  The vast amount of hours I spend researching it, watching it, listening to it, and more is astounding for someone who doesn’t share this side of himself with the people around him.  But the reality is truthfully that I’m a closeted metalhead.  Only a handful of my friends know it’s what I’m into, and they are all males who don’t understand or appreciate metal, but are cool guys that wouldn’t look at me differently at least.  And of course, my wife knows I am.  But outside of that, I have lots of people I see daily in my work life, family life, and more who know just about everything about my life except for this fact.  

Why am I in the closet about this?  I am a classically trained violinist with a classical music community around me no matter where I live.  I am also a teacher in a school, teaching elementary music classes.  I do not believe that it is a comfortable thing for me to discuss the fact that I am a huge death metal fan, or whatever, with people I work with in these environments.  I’m always afraid of the intense judgment that I am assuming I’ll face all the time for it.  Most classical musicians I know don’t understand metal, although I know that it’s not unheard of, as I know a couple of other violinists who like some metal.  And in the school environment...well, I mean, I’m a music teacher, but there’s no way I’d play Suffocation’s Pierced from Within for those kids and be like, “This is metal, and it’s something I like to listen to.”  If I played Suffocation for the kids, I’d probably be having a sit down with the principal, who’d probably be very angry and give me a warning or something.  

But there is also this part of me that kind of wants to believe that if I were to be more open about this truth that people won’t actually judge me so hard or treat me differently.  One of the Chinese co-teachers I work with sometimes revealed to me that she was not coming back to the school next school year on the last day her class came to my music room.  Due to some fun music auditions content I showed on youtube to her class, I somehow revealed to her that I was a metal head.  And her reaction was so funny.  She laughed initially, then she started making those silly vocal growls that people do when they make fun of death metal, and then was like, “Really?!  You like that!?  I would have never guessed in a million years!!!”  She didn’t stop laughing for a few minutes, and while it was somewhat calming to admit it, I also felt awkward about it.  

To the only people I’ve ever revealed it to, they have all been cool about it, but also extremely shocked because of my real-life demeanor.  And I think it is because of this that I don’t believe I should share this with everyone, because it is clear that even my closest of friends are shocked and that in the fact that they are shocked due to my personality they demonstrate that they associate metal with rough or less gentle personalities.  

But what do you think, marshers?  Are any of you who are metal heads or _____-core fans in the closet about it to your respective communities?  Or do you think I’m being too sensitive about this and I should just be more open about it?  Am I wrong to think that because metal is intense that people are going to judge me and think of me and treat me differently because they begin to know this side of me?  

[stfubaker]

I'm fairly open about my musical endeavors. Everyone just looks at me and assumes all I listen to is metal, so I can't really hide it for me.

I would suggest, as dumb as this sounds; play newbie. Talk with someone and mention how you were listening to YouTube, and something on the side came up, and it peaked your interest. Mention how "I've never heard something like this before". and then slowly start talking more and more about this, and how it interests you in a way no other music has before.

I know it sounds kinda dumb. But it'd be a transitional way to talk about it with someone. As opposed to just being like "I've been lying to you for X years"

[chainbreaker]

i'm super open, if someone asks me my fave band i say glassjaw, if someone asks for a recommendation i tell them to listen to xibalba.

I think the big big big thing of it all is that you'd be surprised who is in to what.

My girlfriend listens to 5 seconds of summer but if you put have heart or blacklisted on you better believe ur getting moshed into a pulp.

Everyone secretly loves slipknot even the christian church goers. Be free with it AND i'm just waiting for your classical violin cover of eyeless by slipknot now.

The flipside to when someone might be shocked, it is worth explaining that the metal/hardcore etc community is probably a lot more inclusive and friendly than pop fandoms etc.

i love iggy azalea

[essien]

I think people can be pretty judgemental of metal, particularly the older generation. I don't generally get into it with people unless I think they're going to be open minded about it. It's not helped by the fact that lot of mainstream metal culture is extremely cringeworthy. I guess it depends on how much you care what other people think about you.

[v9733xa]

Yeah. My dad literally asks me why i want to listen to "screaming that sounds like the Devil." Then i ask him how he knows what the Devil sounds like.

And he's not super religious or asininely conservative, he just cannot stand music that is "not pleasant," and virtually none of what i like would the general audience call "pleasant."

I don't know. When people ask what i listen to, my standard answer for a decade and a half has always been "loud, obnoxious music." And that gets a chuckle. If they prod, usually next it's "if it's on the radio, i don't listen to it." The uptight ones will stop there, the confused ones won't know what to think because for half the world there is no music except what the radio tells you to listen to, and very few inquisitive ones will make me answer with names of artists. I try to stick to ones ordinary people might possibly know -- Metallica is the standard answer, and even that elicits looks of shock from most adults i talk to -- since people look at this nerdy friendless guy and assume he listens to classical music.

[Calvinball]

I love this topic of conversation, all my friends and family know I listen to punk and metal and ska and weird stuff they've never heard of. I love saying things like "I'm going to see Tesseract this weekend I'm so stoked" and they just look at me funny. Hell my sweet old aunt actually took a bunch of my old metal shirts from like 2003-2012 that I never wore anymore and turned it into a quilt which I shall cherish forever.

I work as a production manager for a painting company, which means I have relationships with my upper class clients and my blue collar employees. I have to wear a collar work short and look presentable every day but I try to flare in bits of rebel fashion where I can, usually I just wear Vans or Converse to work and call it a day. My painters on the hand get a kick out of it, a lot of them listen to that kind of stuff anyway, I play music out of a speaker at work but I can't go too brutal in case someone walks in so usually it's just instrumental prog or something a little lighter. So every time I'm rocking out and they hear it for the first time they are shocked, I wear a collar shirt to work every day and deal with homeowners and drive a fucking Subaru hatchback, what do I know about rebellious music or rocking out?! It's quite fun, I've seen a few at shows every now and then.

[Unlearner]

"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

If people judge you based on your musical preference, that's on them and says more about them than it does you.

[stringypoo]

stfubaker, that’s not a bad idea at all. I feel I’ve heard this in relation to other situations, not music related, but I never thought to try this way with my music tastes and people around me. That’s pretty fun, and I might try that for fun when I’m around people again.

chainbreaker Totally true about being surprised at what other people listen to. I haven’t really been surprised by people here in China, as they all seem to be listening to the same things, as if they are all hooked up to the same Spotify playlist or something, but back in the US, definitely people would surprise me. And Slipknot was one of the first metal things I ever got into, and I was caught shouting the words to a song from Volume 3 by a cellist I liked back in high school, and she thought it was so funny and actually seemed cool with it. I later found that she was listening to Three Six Mafia or whatever, and that totally did not fit the image I had of her in any way. Hahaha

v9733xa a lot of what you said sounds a little like what I do. I tend to brush off my tastes when asked about it as that my tastes are bad taste, or that nobody else in the workplace surely knows what I listen to. Thankfully, it tends to repel them, but at the same time, I don’t want to always push this away. It would be nice to feel that it’s okay to say what I like. Judging from what other people say, it’s very likely that this is more likely a battle between myself and myself. Maybe it’s this way of thinking that is the only thing wrong here, and that actually people would be cool with me being honest and sharing my music tastes. Who knows... Metallica is a good direction, since mostly people know who they are.

Calvinball I could so see you rocking out at work like that. You, sir, have achieved badass status, you rebel! I would love to see this scene of you at work. Haha

essien It is certainly mostly the older community that I worry about the most, since some of the people whose opinion of me unfortunately matters the most are the oldest people I know, such as the principal at the school, and some influential teachers and musicians whose word carries a lot of weight. Sounds like you have a healthy, perceptive way to discern when it’s appropriate to discuss and when it isn’t.

Unlearner, I very much like this point, and I would like to fully trust in this view. I have experienced a mild level of discrimination within the musician community once, and it definitely cut ties for me to some good gigs. I played in an orchestra in Arizona which had some longtime members who were better rooted in the in the community than I were. I was a gigger, and the principal 2nd violinist in the orchestra was a gig lord, or whatever you want to call it. She had gotten me some pretty sweet gigs for a long time, based on my playing level and professionalism. But one day, I was at a rehearsal, wearing a God Forbid shirt. She came up to me, and I was aware that she was an extremely religious person. She gave me this very strange, but scrutinizing stare, read my shirt, and then proceeded to ask me what the shirt was about. Since I knew her pretty well at this point, I just brushed it off and said, “eh, it’s just some shirt, I don’t know what it means.” But she reacted very coldly to it, even she doesn’t have any clue what this band is or what it means or what they are or aren’t about. I never got another gig from her, she never spoke to me again, and I learned about new players she started working with who played some pretty sweet gigs, made a lot of money, and stuff. There is no other explanation for why this happened, as my interactions with her were always good and my performance was always more than adequate for her and her gigs, as I received many compliments at every gig while her other musicians were generally ignored.

Reflecting on this, I don’t think I can choose to not care what people think, because it can certainly take away from the experiences that you can have. I ultimately no longer care what she thinks, but that’s only because I’m far away now. If I were still there, I’d be trying to soften the relationship and get back in there playing gigs. But yeah, the way those who react this way to my preferences, it definitely says much more about them than it does about me, and really, fuck that bitch. But still, this occurrence has further made me cautious than I was before...

[Zeke]

Hard to relate because in my line of work music doesn't really mean anything. I guess your situation is like as if you are an anti-vaxxer in medicine or someone with a flipphone in the software industry.

In my case when someone asks I usually say that I listen to heavier music/core music to which they usually say "oh, metallica and acdc?". I would probably show something lighter (e.g. Bury Tomorrow, A Day To Remember) and mention that I listen to heavier stuff as well but this might be something they enjoy.

[stuartoxlade]

I think you should be proud to tell people you listen to metal dude. Maybe it's different in China for cultural reasons, but whenever I tell new colleagues here like I like metal (They usually assume it's AC/DC anyway), they're always surprised but I never really feel judged by them. And who are they to judge when some people like dance music, others like pop, etc?

The punk/metal/hardcore community always feels like one big family and that's one of the reasons why I still listen to this type of music into my mid-30's. Whenever I go to a festival with these kind of genres, it's always such a nice place to be for the day, seeing all these people listening to stuff without any judgment and just having a good time.

From reading your comments around the classical industry, it sounds like there's a definite sense of judgment with what you listen to, which seems totally backwards. As long as you can play your instrument well then ultimately it shouldn't really matter. I feel for you dude, must be tough having to be closet about something that isn't really a big deal elsewhere.

[stringypoo]

From what I’m reading, it seems that most people don’t have problems with being open about their tastes. That’s pretty awesome. I guess definitely it is the communities of work that I belong to that cause me to keep things to myself the most. Well, that, and also very old traditional family ties back in Arkansas that I still have an unnecessary desire to keep a nice face to. While that makes no sense, if any of you from the US can reflect on what the old traditionalist generations of the Southern states are like culturally and socially, you might understand why I am cautious about how open I am about my interests with them. I’ll never forget the day I turned on the TV and saw the Chick-fil-a strike on gays at a local franchise on the news, and an ignorant Arkansan was being interviewed, holding up two cable ends with the forks, pushing them into each other saying something like “See this, this ain’t gonna work. This ain’t what God intended for us. Marriage is between a man and a woman!!!” That’s the kind of place I feel like I grew up in... I don’t mind if people have their old perspectives, but I hope that they can be less judgmental about it.

[tao]

I’ve refrained from posting until now, and I really don’t know why. stringypoo, I’m pretty much in the same boat as you. I grew up in a very conservative, religious family, and even today I still hold and respect many viewpoints and values that have been imprinted upon me by my parents and peers. However, I enjoy metal in most forms, and that is somewhat frowned upon by my parents and siblings, and if it were made known, I’d probably have to endure a lengthy conversation about morals and related topics, and I don’t want to sit through that, so into the closet my interest for the genre goes and I put on the “good boy we all know and love” mask and go about my day. Most of my friends (post-homeschool) know about my interest and accept it as part of who I am, they don’t care, it’s just the relationships between my parents and siblings that I need/want to keep intact and therefore I feel like I can’t truly open up about it around them. I long for the day where I can find an appropriate moment and mindset to do so, but until then I’ll wait.

[stringypoo]

Jul 4, 2019 23:10:37 GMT -5 tao said:

I’ve refrained from posting until now, and I really don’t know why. stringypoo, I’m pretty much in the same boat as you. I grew up in a very conservative, religious family, and even today I still hold and respect many viewpoints and values that have been imprinted upon me by my parents and peers. However, I enjoy metal in most forms, and that is somewhat frowned upon by my parents and siblings, and if it were made known, I’d probably have to endure a lengthy conversation about morals and related topics, and I don’t want to sit through that, so into the closet my interest for the genre goes and I put on the “good boy we all know and love” mask and go about my day. Most of my friends (post-homeschool) know about my interest and accept it as part of who I am, they don’t care, it’s just the relationships between my parents and siblings that I need/want to keep intact and therefore I feel like I can’t truly open up about it around them. I long for the day where I can find an appropriate moment and mindset to do so, but until then I’ll wait.

I’m just waiting for all the old relatives to die. Lol
Nah, just kidding, but I can see you totally get where I’m coming from with respect to the family thing. Just curious, if we were to go back in time to when you were a kid, would your parents have been the ones who would have thrown away your secret metal album collection if they were to have seen it? Hypothetical question, as I have no idea if you has a “secret metal collection” or what. Growing up, I knew people whose parents did this regularly. It’s just not cool with me when parents tell you what kind of person you’re supposed to be, especially when it messes with your true individuality. My mom fortunately did not pry into my metal album collection and scrutinize, but she also has no idea what it sounds like. Lol, when I picked out a cd I wanted to buy, I’d always lie and say it had cool orchestral playing on it. Hahaha

[tao]

Jul 4, 2019 23:22:05 GMT -5 stringypoo said:

Jul 4, 2019 23:10:37 GMT -5 tao said:

I’ve refrained from posting until now, and I really don’t know why. stringypoo, I’m pretty much in the same boat as you. I grew up in a very conservative, religious family, and even today I still hold and respect many viewpoints and values that have been imprinted upon me by my parents and peers. However, I enjoy metal in most forms, and that is somewhat frowned upon by my parents and siblings, and if it were made known, I’d probably have to endure a lengthy conversation about morals and related topics, and I don’t want to sit through that, so into the closet my interest for the genre goes and I put on the “good boy we all know and love” mask and go about my day. Most of my friends (post-homeschool) know about my interest and accept it as part of who I am, they don’t care, it’s just the relationships between my parents and siblings that I need/want to keep intact and therefore I feel like I can’t truly open up about it around them. I long for the day where I can find an appropriate moment and mindset to do so, but until then I’ll wait.

I’m just waiting for all the old relatives to die. Lol
Nah, just kidding, but I can see you totally get where I’m coming from with respect to the family thing. Just curious, if we were to go back in time to when you were a kid, would your parents have been the ones who would have thrown away your secret metal album collection if they were to have seen it? Hypothetical question, as I have no idea if you has a “secret metal collection” or what. Growing up, I knew people whose parents did this regularly. It’s just not cool with me when parents tell you what kind of person you’re supposed to be, especially when it messes with your true individuality. My mom fortunately did not pry into my metal album collection and scrutinize, but she also has no idea what it sounds like. Lol, when I picked out a cd I wanted to buy, I’d always lie and say it had cool orchestral playing on it. Hahaha

Yes, I believe they would/would’ve, hypothetically.

[chainbreaker]

Jul 3, 2019 0:57:24 GMT -5 Zeke said:

 "and acdc?".

HELL YEH,

then you just start screaming the lyrics to thunderstruck.

THUNDERRRSTRUCK.


WAAAHHH WAHH WHOA WAH WAH thunder WAHHH WAHH WAHH WHOA WAH thunder